Time for a change
This is an email I sent to my dear friend Donna. She has seen the best of me and the worst of me. I felt I needed to post it here just to get out what I am feeling and where I am...
So I am a gluton for punishment I tested this morning and of course it was negative. Why would I think it would be any different than it has been for forever now. I know you are shaking your head at me. I really do hate every thing that my life has become since I started trying to have a baby. I hate the pity party I have when i don't Ovulate or get pregnant. I hate that I am surrounded by pg women and babies everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that I drive by the surgery center and dr storts office everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that this has to be so hard. I hate that I can't make my mother a grandmother. I hate that my great grandmother may die before I have a child. I hate that I can't make josh a father. I hate that I am not gauranteed a child and I may be walking this road for my entire life. I hate that I can't just live a life of gratefulness for what I have. I hate that I cry all the time and am sad. I hate that I feel this constant guilt that it is because I haven't done something right, I don't spend enough time with God or whatever. I just hate it all...
but I don't know what to do to change it. I don't know how to get out of this place. I don't know how to not constantly think about babies and miscarriage. I don't know how to make this burning desire in my heart go away. I don't know how to make the pain of what I have lost go away. I just don't know how to live any other way. I can tell myself to change and I can look like i have changed and am refocused and I'm doing really well and everybody will think wow she is really doing well. But I will be dying inside just like I am now.
Sadly this is what my life has become. I hate who I am and where I am. I don't feel like I have made any progress as a person in the last two years. I feel I need to change and refocus my life. As I said I don't really know how to do that. So these are the steps I am going to take to try to get there. 1. I am meeting with my pastor Greg for some insight and wisdom. 2. I am taking the room that is called the "nursery" in my house and turning it into the office. 3. I am taking all baby related stuff out of my house and into the garage. 4. I am going to focus on losing weight and getting healthier. 5. I am going to reassess all of this in January. I'll let yo know how it's going.
So I am a gluton for punishment I tested this morning and of course it was negative. Why would I think it would be any different than it has been for forever now. I know you are shaking your head at me. I really do hate every thing that my life has become since I started trying to have a baby. I hate the pity party I have when i don't Ovulate or get pregnant. I hate that I am surrounded by pg women and babies everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that I drive by the surgery center and dr storts office everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that this has to be so hard. I hate that I can't make my mother a grandmother. I hate that my great grandmother may die before I have a child. I hate that I can't make josh a father. I hate that I am not gauranteed a child and I may be walking this road for my entire life. I hate that I can't just live a life of gratefulness for what I have. I hate that I cry all the time and am sad. I hate that I feel this constant guilt that it is because I haven't done something right, I don't spend enough time with God or whatever. I just hate it all...
but I don't know what to do to change it. I don't know how to get out of this place. I don't know how to not constantly think about babies and miscarriage. I don't know how to make this burning desire in my heart go away. I don't know how to make the pain of what I have lost go away. I just don't know how to live any other way. I can tell myself to change and I can look like i have changed and am refocused and I'm doing really well and everybody will think wow she is really doing well. But I will be dying inside just like I am now.
Sadly this is what my life has become. I hate who I am and where I am. I don't feel like I have made any progress as a person in the last two years. I feel I need to change and refocus my life. As I said I don't really know how to do that. So these are the steps I am going to take to try to get there. 1. I am meeting with my pastor Greg for some insight and wisdom. 2. I am taking the room that is called the "nursery" in my house and turning it into the office. 3. I am taking all baby related stuff out of my house and into the garage. 4. I am going to focus on losing weight and getting healthier. 5. I am going to reassess all of this in January. I'll let yo know how it's going.
posted by Rian at 8:57 AM
2 Comments:
~just checking to see how you are doing...Miss your blogging...praying that happier and more peaceful days are ahead for you.
I feel the same. I HATE where I am right now too. And just when I want to refocus and get my life back in balance, I get sick. I agree with the steps you plan to take. Good luck and keep us posted.
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