Time for a change

This is an email I sent to my dear friend Donna. She has seen the best of me and the worst of me. I felt I needed to post it here just to get out what I am feeling and where I am...

So I am a gluton for punishment I tested this morning and of course it was negative. Why would I think it would be any different than it has been for forever now. I know you are shaking your head at me. I really do hate every thing that my life has become since I started trying to have a baby. I hate the pity party I have when i don't Ovulate or get pregnant. I hate that I am surrounded by pg women and babies everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that I drive by the surgery center and dr storts office everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that this has to be so hard. I hate that I can't make my mother a grandmother. I hate that my great grandmother may die before I have a child. I hate that I can't make josh a father. I hate that I am not gauranteed a child and I may be walking this road for my entire life. I hate that I can't just live a life of gratefulness for what I have. I hate that I cry all the time and am sad. I hate that I feel this constant guilt that it is because I haven't done something right, I don't spend enough time with God or whatever. I just hate it all...

but I don't know what to do to change it. I don't know how to get out of this place. I don't know how to not constantly think about babies and miscarriage. I don't know how to make this burning desire in my heart go away. I don't know how to make the pain of what I have lost go away. I just don't know how to live any other way. I can tell myself to change and I can look like i have changed and am refocused and I'm doing really well and everybody will think wow she is really doing well. But I will be dying inside just like I am now.

Sadly this is what my life has become. I hate who I am and where I am. I don't feel like I have made any progress as a person in the last two years. I feel I need to change and refocus my life. As I said I don't really know how to do that. So these are the steps I am going to take to try to get there. 1. I am meeting with my pastor Greg for some insight and wisdom. 2. I am taking the room that is called the "nursery" in my house and turning it into the office. 3. I am taking all baby related stuff out of my house and into the garage. 4. I am going to focus on losing weight and getting healthier. 5. I am going to reassess all of this in January. I'll let yo know how it's going.

10.12.2006

So today is one of the dreaded days. The ESTIMATED DUE DATE. There are five days out of the year that I hate and today is one of them. Besides the fact that I should have already, or about to have a baby, i feel like crap today. I thought I was getting better on Tuesday but yesterday I felt awful and this morning I felt like I got run over by a truck. So it is a great day all around. I am ready for the time that I can think about a due date with joy and happiness instead of pain and sorrow. When will my time come? Will it ever come at all? Who says I will even have children? Nobody. There are no gaurantees in this life, and that drives me crazy. So I will continue down the trail of trying to have a baby but not be overly obsessed with it that it consumes my whole, and make it look like I am doing a good job at that but secretly it is all I ever think about.

Where's the eggie

So I used my handy dandy monitor for almost 10 days now and have gotten a high for almost all of them. So who knows what that means. I have been using OPK's also and they are getting fainter and fainter. So my conclusion is this...
1. I didn't ovulate this cycle. Which wouldn't be overly surprising but sad nonetheless. 2. My monitor is broken and I ovulated but I missed it somehow. I have chosen for my own sanity to go with option number two. So as we say it in the ttc world I am officially in the 2ww ( that is the 2 weeks between O and when af (aunt flo) should show up. In more technical terms it is the Luteal Phase). So who knows when I am gonna test. I am a POASaholic so I haven't bought any hpt's and plan to keep it like that as long as I can.

HAPPY DAY!!!

So for my first not depressing post...It looks like I'm gonna ovulate. YeeHaw!! yes I am from Texas thank you very much! Anywho, Monday was cd 20 and I really thought that I was out for this month. But I used my handy dandy fertility monitor and I got a HIGH reading. That means that some hormone (there are so many I can't keep track anymore) has been raised and my monitor is predicting that I will ovulate any day now. So now I continue to pee on a stick every morning until I get a cute little EGG symbol on my monitor and then I pray like crazy that the egg (or eggs, I'm ok with twins at this point) gets caught and decides to make a home. Ok so that was a huge runon sentence my apologies to all the english majors out there!

So as you can see I am in higher spirits than I have been in a long time. Now there is always the possibility that in 2+ weeks I will be sad and depressed again. But I will keep hope as long as I as can.

Also, since I am ovulating so late I will not know by October 12 (due date for baby lost in Feb) whether or not I am pregnant. So that day may be hard, but I will make it through with the hope that good news will be coming.

Also number two, my church is awesome if you weren't aware. One of the ladies (thanks Judie) has put togther a prayer and fasting for me. There are 9 people that are each going to pray and fast for a day. Boy do I feel loved. I can not wait to become pregnant because it won't just be an answer to pray for me and Josh, but for my whole church. There are so many people there that have been praying for us for years to have a baby. I just can't wait until that pryaer is answered. We will have to have a great big party!!!