Remember

I am pretty sure that every person knows someone who has had either a miscarriage or a still birth or a infant death. It could be your mother, sister, wife, daughter, friend, coworker. It could be any woman you pass on the street. For so many years miscarriage was a taboo. Women didn't talk about it. It was common to think the women lost her baby because she was a sinner. So many times the woman thought that it was her fault that her baby died. Now with much more technology and wisdom women can find freedom from the guilt. Sometimes it is not immediate but it is there. The problem is that when a woman looses a baby the rest of world keeps turning and she is left broken. If you have never been there then you will never understand. Sometimes well meaning but stupid comments are made, i.e. "It was God's will", "There was something wrong with the baby", "At least you know you can get pregnant", and so on. Weeks and months later life is going on all around, but the woman who lost her child is still grieving and people wonder why she can't get over it. It is a lonely place to be. So I would ask you to look around. Who do you know that has been there, that has felt that pain only she can understand? Remember her and the child that she had so many dreams for. Sunday October 15 is the offical PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS DAY. Remember...

one of those days

Thank you to Nicole for commenting on my blog. And also for the prayer. I will take all the prayer I can get!! I love this blogosphere. Complete strangers can read about each others lives and be intercessors. How great is that?!?!

I don't really know why but today is a sad day. Ok so I do know why. We had a baby dedication at church yesterday. Even though I am extremely happy for the women in my church that have those cute little bundle of joys. It still makes me sad to see what I don't have. To see the joy on the mommies faces, to have family come for the special moment. I wonder if this is something I will ever experience. I just hate this place that I am in right now. I can remember saying this so many times over the last two years. I want to be that happy go lucky girl I used to be. That even though my childhood sucked, life was still good and I was still a pretty happy person. I have a great husband, wonderful friends and family. But that doesn't seem to be enough anymore. I am just a shadow of the person I used to be. I feel like a zombie sometimes. Just going through the motions of life. I hate that my life is marked by miscarriage and infertility. I don't want that to be WHO I am. I want to be a wife, friend, daughter, worshipper, intercessor, giver... I really need the Joy of the Lord right now. I'm not sure how to get to that place. The place where His joy is bigger than my struggles and sadness. But that is my prayer today. That He would shower me with his joy.

What it's all about.

I think that whenever you go through some form of suffering you can go one of two ways. 1. You can learn from the experience. You can grow as a person. You can take you suffering and turn it into something good for you and others. 2. or you can become hard and bitter. Be angry at the world and at God. On most days I choose the first one. I want my experiences to be for something. I don't want to feel all of that pain for nothing. Here is a link to Catherine's blog. She has had two stillborns and though she has her moments of asking why and being angry she still amazes me with how much love and compassion she has for others. Sorry I'm getting away from my point. She posted something on her blog that I want to link to. This is a couple who took their pain and turned it into something amazing. FAITH'S LODGE

One year ago today.

I should have been delivering my first child. Hearing him/her cry for the first time. Relishing in the fact that I was a mother and this was my child. But things did not work out that way. And so I sit here a year later with empty arms and an empty womb. Life is so different than I thought it would be when I was younger. So different than this time a year ago. So many questions still unanswered. So many dreams left unfulfilled. I am thankful that I was on vacation last week because it has made this day easier for me. I spent a week not obsessing about ttc or being pregnant, or saddened every time I saw a pregnant women. It truly was a nice break from the reality that is my daily life. So here I am on cd6, yes it finally showed up. And even though I am happy that I can continue my efforts to have a child, I am saddened that I am having to. That it is so hard for me to get this one thing that others get so easily. Women who don't even want to have children can and I can't. October 10th will be cd 28. Will that day bring joy or the same sadness I have felt for so many months? Will I get the answer to my prayers that day, so when Oct 12 rolls around my sadness will be overshadowed by my joy. Will the fact that I may finally be pregnant help me get through what should be the birth of my second child? I guess we will all have to wait and see.

wouldn't ya know

So I am leaving for Jamaica in the morning. YeeHaw. Well, wouldn't ya know that I am having some spotting and cramping today. So it looks like my period may show at any moment. Now one part of me is happy about these turn of events. But another part is extremely annoyed. I mean seriously. It has been like 80 days since my last period and it decides to show up the day before I leave for vacation to the beach. Sounds like a lot of fun to me.

perfect little world

So I have this friend whose life seems perfect. I know that it is not and there are things I have that she doesn't. But still if you line up are lives side by side she definately got the better end of the deal. Great parents, good childhood, finished college, great husband, gets to stay at home oh and don't let me forget, she is 20 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Ruth Christine to be exact. Now while a part of me is definately happy for her. Another part of me plays the fair card again. I have been married longer, i have been ttc for almost 2 years and I have been pg twice and no baby. Now I know that life is anything but fair, but sometimes I like to have my little pity part. Hey it's my party and I can cry if I want to!!! But being the GREAT friend that I am, I will support and congratulate when she calls and she will never know that I am dying inside everytime we talk.

My biggest dream and deepest desire is to be a mother. But it goes further than that. I want to be a mother to a daughter. I want to have a little girl that Josh can adore and spoil. I want her to have the life that I was robbed of. The life of the princess. Being daddy's girl. This would be a dream come true for me. "Lord do you hear my cries, will you answer my prayer???"