I think I am done for now

Life doesn't always go as we expect. The last two years have proven that to me. It has probably been the hardest and saddest two years of my life. I am 28, I have been married for almost 8 years and I have been pg twice with no baby. This isn't where I thought I would be. So for the moment I think I am throwing in the towel. My heart cannot take the constant breaking month after month. My dream is killed everytime I only see the one pink line. 24 months, medicines, dr visits, blood test, miscarriages and no baby. I just can't take it any more. I don't want to be this person anymore and I think that means giving it up for now.

You can visit me at my much happier blog, which I promise to update regularly, at www.rismoody.blogspot.com Thanks for reading

I OVULATED!!!!!!

So I'm pretty sure the world is coming to an end!! I did ovulate. I am not pregnant, but my period showed up exactly 14 days after I thought I ovulated. I am so happy. My prayer has been that even if I don't get pg please let me at least be regular and God heard and answered. I am praying the same will happen this cycle. It was so nice to have a 34 day cycle instead of a 120 day cycle. It gives me so much more hope that I may be able to get pregnant when I ovulate. So here's hoping it happens again this month.

The first time I got pregnant we conceived on December 26. I remember it well because we were staying with Josh's parents and the room we usually stay in was messy so they wanted us to sleep in the living room on an air mattress and I was freaking out because I knew I would be ovulating then. It got all worked out thankfully and we concieved our first child that night. Sadly we lost that child 2 short months later. Our second pregnancy was conceived in January. So this time of year makes a little more hopeful. I would love to get pregnant this month and be due the same month as my first one. That would just seem special to me.

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been two years since my first pregnancy. I look back at that with jealousy. How happy I was. How I didn't know what HCG meant or what my progesterone levels were. How I thought that as long as I wasn't cramping and bleeding I was ok. How I thought since I was less than a week away from the 2nd trimester that I was ok. Oh how naive I was then. And how sad I am now that I will never be able to experience that worry free pregnancy that so many other women get. I know too much and it will take the grace of God to keep me sane in my next pregnancy. But I know He can do it and I will rely on Him and I will enjoy every moment that I get to be with that baby regardless of what may happen.

Still here

I am still here. Not much has gone on so don't have much to say.

I did see my OB last week for my yearly. She said that she believes both m/c were completely unrelated. Which is what I thought. So there is no reason to believe next pg would end the same way. I guess we will just have to wait and see. Just because she said that doesn't mean I'm not going to worry everyday until that baby is born. I read on someone else's blog that the problem with infertiles once they do it pregnant is that they know too much. And that is the place I am. I have read everything that I can and I officially know too much to not worry about every aspect of a future pregnancy. I know that the only hope that I won't stress for 9 months is the grace of God.

In other news there is a high chance I think I may have ovulated. So that is good news. I guess I will know for sure if my period shows up in a couple of weeks or Lord willing I end up pregnant.

The thankful life.

Thanks everyone for your sweet and kind words. I am still here. Amazingly my period showed up on Tuesday. For this I am very thankful. Even if I don't get pregnant it is just nice to know that the body is doing something right sometimes!!!! I am feeling really good about this cycle. Not in the I think I'm gonna get pregnant or anything, but that I have peace. I know that whatever happens is God's will and I am ok with that. I am trying to stay in a thankful place. I know that regardless of the fact that I don't have a child, God has blessed greatly and for that I am thankful. I have so much more than many many people. My life really isn't all that bad.

I have started the Glucophage for my PCOS. The dr I work for gave it to me. It is supposed to help me to ovulate by lowering my testosterone level which gets raised because of the insulin. It is all a little confusing. But it should help to regulate me and hopefully I will ovulate. The bad part is that it makes me feel like crap. It only lasts about an hour after I take it. I can live with the side effects if it does what it should. It should also help me with my weight. Which I don't mind help with!!! Still going to the gym. I only went two days this week because honestly I'm lazy. But hey two is better than none. :P

Time for a change

This is an email I sent to my dear friend Donna. She has seen the best of me and the worst of me. I felt I needed to post it here just to get out what I am feeling and where I am...

So I am a gluton for punishment I tested this morning and of course it was negative. Why would I think it would be any different than it has been for forever now. I know you are shaking your head at me. I really do hate every thing that my life has become since I started trying to have a baby. I hate the pity party I have when i don't Ovulate or get pregnant. I hate that I am surrounded by pg women and babies everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that I drive by the surgery center and dr storts office everyday so how can I not think about it. I hate that this has to be so hard. I hate that I can't make my mother a grandmother. I hate that my great grandmother may die before I have a child. I hate that I can't make josh a father. I hate that I am not gauranteed a child and I may be walking this road for my entire life. I hate that I can't just live a life of gratefulness for what I have. I hate that I cry all the time and am sad. I hate that I feel this constant guilt that it is because I haven't done something right, I don't spend enough time with God or whatever. I just hate it all...

but I don't know what to do to change it. I don't know how to get out of this place. I don't know how to not constantly think about babies and miscarriage. I don't know how to make this burning desire in my heart go away. I don't know how to make the pain of what I have lost go away. I just don't know how to live any other way. I can tell myself to change and I can look like i have changed and am refocused and I'm doing really well and everybody will think wow she is really doing well. But I will be dying inside just like I am now.

Sadly this is what my life has become. I hate who I am and where I am. I don't feel like I have made any progress as a person in the last two years. I feel I need to change and refocus my life. As I said I don't really know how to do that. So these are the steps I am going to take to try to get there. 1. I am meeting with my pastor Greg for some insight and wisdom. 2. I am taking the room that is called the "nursery" in my house and turning it into the office. 3. I am taking all baby related stuff out of my house and into the garage. 4. I am going to focus on losing weight and getting healthier. 5. I am going to reassess all of this in January. I'll let yo know how it's going.

10.12.2006

So today is one of the dreaded days. The ESTIMATED DUE DATE. There are five days out of the year that I hate and today is one of them. Besides the fact that I should have already, or about to have a baby, i feel like crap today. I thought I was getting better on Tuesday but yesterday I felt awful and this morning I felt like I got run over by a truck. So it is a great day all around. I am ready for the time that I can think about a due date with joy and happiness instead of pain and sorrow. When will my time come? Will it ever come at all? Who says I will even have children? Nobody. There are no gaurantees in this life, and that drives me crazy. So I will continue down the trail of trying to have a baby but not be overly obsessed with it that it consumes my whole, and make it look like I am doing a good job at that but secretly it is all I ever think about.

Where's the eggie

So I used my handy dandy monitor for almost 10 days now and have gotten a high for almost all of them. So who knows what that means. I have been using OPK's also and they are getting fainter and fainter. So my conclusion is this...
1. I didn't ovulate this cycle. Which wouldn't be overly surprising but sad nonetheless. 2. My monitor is broken and I ovulated but I missed it somehow. I have chosen for my own sanity to go with option number two. So as we say it in the ttc world I am officially in the 2ww ( that is the 2 weeks between O and when af (aunt flo) should show up. In more technical terms it is the Luteal Phase). So who knows when I am gonna test. I am a POASaholic so I haven't bought any hpt's and plan to keep it like that as long as I can.

HAPPY DAY!!!

So for my first not depressing post...It looks like I'm gonna ovulate. YeeHaw!! yes I am from Texas thank you very much! Anywho, Monday was cd 20 and I really thought that I was out for this month. But I used my handy dandy fertility monitor and I got a HIGH reading. That means that some hormone (there are so many I can't keep track anymore) has been raised and my monitor is predicting that I will ovulate any day now. So now I continue to pee on a stick every morning until I get a cute little EGG symbol on my monitor and then I pray like crazy that the egg (or eggs, I'm ok with twins at this point) gets caught and decides to make a home. Ok so that was a huge runon sentence my apologies to all the english majors out there!

So as you can see I am in higher spirits than I have been in a long time. Now there is always the possibility that in 2+ weeks I will be sad and depressed again. But I will keep hope as long as I as can.

Also, since I am ovulating so late I will not know by October 12 (due date for baby lost in Feb) whether or not I am pregnant. So that day may be hard, but I will make it through with the hope that good news will be coming.

Also number two, my church is awesome if you weren't aware. One of the ladies (thanks Judie) has put togther a prayer and fasting for me. There are 9 people that are each going to pray and fast for a day. Boy do I feel loved. I can not wait to become pregnant because it won't just be an answer to pray for me and Josh, but for my whole church. There are so many people there that have been praying for us for years to have a baby. I just can't wait until that pryaer is answered. We will have to have a great big party!!!

Remember

I am pretty sure that every person knows someone who has had either a miscarriage or a still birth or a infant death. It could be your mother, sister, wife, daughter, friend, coworker. It could be any woman you pass on the street. For so many years miscarriage was a taboo. Women didn't talk about it. It was common to think the women lost her baby because she was a sinner. So many times the woman thought that it was her fault that her baby died. Now with much more technology and wisdom women can find freedom from the guilt. Sometimes it is not immediate but it is there. The problem is that when a woman looses a baby the rest of world keeps turning and she is left broken. If you have never been there then you will never understand. Sometimes well meaning but stupid comments are made, i.e. "It was God's will", "There was something wrong with the baby", "At least you know you can get pregnant", and so on. Weeks and months later life is going on all around, but the woman who lost her child is still grieving and people wonder why she can't get over it. It is a lonely place to be. So I would ask you to look around. Who do you know that has been there, that has felt that pain only she can understand? Remember her and the child that she had so many dreams for. Sunday October 15 is the offical PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS DAY. Remember...

one of those days

Thank you to Nicole for commenting on my blog. And also for the prayer. I will take all the prayer I can get!! I love this blogosphere. Complete strangers can read about each others lives and be intercessors. How great is that?!?!

I don't really know why but today is a sad day. Ok so I do know why. We had a baby dedication at church yesterday. Even though I am extremely happy for the women in my church that have those cute little bundle of joys. It still makes me sad to see what I don't have. To see the joy on the mommies faces, to have family come for the special moment. I wonder if this is something I will ever experience. I just hate this place that I am in right now. I can remember saying this so many times over the last two years. I want to be that happy go lucky girl I used to be. That even though my childhood sucked, life was still good and I was still a pretty happy person. I have a great husband, wonderful friends and family. But that doesn't seem to be enough anymore. I am just a shadow of the person I used to be. I feel like a zombie sometimes. Just going through the motions of life. I hate that my life is marked by miscarriage and infertility. I don't want that to be WHO I am. I want to be a wife, friend, daughter, worshipper, intercessor, giver... I really need the Joy of the Lord right now. I'm not sure how to get to that place. The place where His joy is bigger than my struggles and sadness. But that is my prayer today. That He would shower me with his joy.

What it's all about.

I think that whenever you go through some form of suffering you can go one of two ways. 1. You can learn from the experience. You can grow as a person. You can take you suffering and turn it into something good for you and others. 2. or you can become hard and bitter. Be angry at the world and at God. On most days I choose the first one. I want my experiences to be for something. I don't want to feel all of that pain for nothing. Here is a link to Catherine's blog. She has had two stillborns and though she has her moments of asking why and being angry she still amazes me with how much love and compassion she has for others. Sorry I'm getting away from my point. She posted something on her blog that I want to link to. This is a couple who took their pain and turned it into something amazing. FAITH'S LODGE

One year ago today.

I should have been delivering my first child. Hearing him/her cry for the first time. Relishing in the fact that I was a mother and this was my child. But things did not work out that way. And so I sit here a year later with empty arms and an empty womb. Life is so different than I thought it would be when I was younger. So different than this time a year ago. So many questions still unanswered. So many dreams left unfulfilled. I am thankful that I was on vacation last week because it has made this day easier for me. I spent a week not obsessing about ttc or being pregnant, or saddened every time I saw a pregnant women. It truly was a nice break from the reality that is my daily life. So here I am on cd6, yes it finally showed up. And even though I am happy that I can continue my efforts to have a child, I am saddened that I am having to. That it is so hard for me to get this one thing that others get so easily. Women who don't even want to have children can and I can't. October 10th will be cd 28. Will that day bring joy or the same sadness I have felt for so many months? Will I get the answer to my prayers that day, so when Oct 12 rolls around my sadness will be overshadowed by my joy. Will the fact that I may finally be pregnant help me get through what should be the birth of my second child? I guess we will all have to wait and see.

wouldn't ya know

So I am leaving for Jamaica in the morning. YeeHaw. Well, wouldn't ya know that I am having some spotting and cramping today. So it looks like my period may show at any moment. Now one part of me is happy about these turn of events. But another part is extremely annoyed. I mean seriously. It has been like 80 days since my last period and it decides to show up the day before I leave for vacation to the beach. Sounds like a lot of fun to me.

perfect little world

So I have this friend whose life seems perfect. I know that it is not and there are things I have that she doesn't. But still if you line up are lives side by side she definately got the better end of the deal. Great parents, good childhood, finished college, great husband, gets to stay at home oh and don't let me forget, she is 20 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Ruth Christine to be exact. Now while a part of me is definately happy for her. Another part of me plays the fair card again. I have been married longer, i have been ttc for almost 2 years and I have been pg twice and no baby. Now I know that life is anything but fair, but sometimes I like to have my little pity part. Hey it's my party and I can cry if I want to!!! But being the GREAT friend that I am, I will support and congratulate when she calls and she will never know that I am dying inside everytime we talk.

My biggest dream and deepest desire is to be a mother. But it goes further than that. I want to be a mother to a daughter. I want to have a little girl that Josh can adore and spoil. I want her to have the life that I was robbed of. The life of the princess. Being daddy's girl. This would be a dream come true for me. "Lord do you hear my cries, will you answer my prayer???"

nothing

That pretty much sums it up, NOTHING. A whole big bunch of nothing.