nothing

That pretty much sums it up, NOTHING. A whole big bunch of nothing.

something funny

I have found a new blog that I like to frequent. Her name is Jamie and she has fertility issues also, as do many bloggers out there that I have found. She has a list of the Top ten things that have not helped us in having a baby. I find it amusing seeing as how it applies to my life too. So here it is, enjoy...

10. Sex... 9. Reading books about how to have a baby... 8. Non-doubling Hcg numbers... 7. Crying, bargaining, and begging... 6. Pillows under butt... 5. Being asked "When are you going to have a baby???" 4. Doctors... 3. BBT and OPK...
2. Holding other people's babies... 1. JUST RELAXING........................... Please refrain from suggesting any of the crap listed above. All other suggestions are welcome.

32 weeks

So I think I have done pretty well with this last loss of not keeping track where I should be at this moment. But every once in a while when I'm on LAM I go and check out the October Baby Club and see what would be going on. So I should be about 32wks. Almost to the end. I can't believe that I should be having a baby in around 8wks, that's crazy and sad all at the same time.

Today is turning out to be one of those other days again. I feel the sadness. I did it to myself this time. If I would just not look then I would be ok.

hope???

So last night I got my hopes up that I was gonna start. There was a little bit of blood but nothing since then and not really any cramping so the wait continues. Can anyone understand why I'm so stinking frustrated??

I decided to wait until I get back from vacation to take the provera. I am just really trying hard to go on with my life. To enjoy my summer, my pets, my husband and looking forward to the vaca.

what to do next?

So I did a blood HCG yesterday just to check and see what really is going on. Of course it was <2 which is normal for someone who is not pg. So what do I do next? I still have the provera sitting at home waiting for me to take it. But if I take it is that me not trusting the Lord with all this baby stuff? I am slightly confused and frustrated. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know what it is that God wants me to do. I am lost.

ramblings

Today is cd 62. Last time I went to cd 65 and then they gave me a shot of progesterone. I am wondering if I should just take the provera and get it over with. I am really trying to trust in the Lord but it is so hard when nothing is going on. I fill like I'm in Limbo. I'm not pregnant and I'm not even close to getting there. Oh it is so so frustrating.

So I am approaching what should be my first childs first birthday. Last year it was a due date but this year it something so much more. The date is September 18th. Last year Josh and I went to a B&B for the weekend and had a really nice time. This year we will be getting back from Jamaica two days before. I don't know how I am going to feel about it this year. I not only think about all the stuff I missed by not staying pg and delivering, but now I have the thoughts of all the first year things I missed. And to make matters worse my other due date is October 12, so the next few months probably won't be much fun. I hate that my life is marked by two m/c. That everyday I reminded about the two babies I lost, that I will never get to hold. I pray that by this time next year I will either be pg or have had a baby. I really think that will make it all a little easier. It would be nice to be pg by either 9/18, 10/12, or my birthday 11/10. I guess all I can do is pray and hope.

depressed???

You know most days I do pretty well. I can function and I don't think about how I'm about to be 28 and I'm not even pg yet. Or how I have been pg twice and I have no baby at home. Anyway today is feeling like one of those other days. The day where I feel sad and just feel a load of emotion that I hate. I really never know when these days will come. The other day I was looking at the cutest pic of me holding Avery after she was born and I just got so sad. The whole rest of the evening was awful. Then I was at a party and there were babies all around, with moms talking about stuff and I just felt so left out. Like that is a club that I will never be a part of.

I have wondered in the last year or so if I am truly depressed, I mean would a dr diagnose me that way? Let's look and see what the definition is...Depressed: 1. Low in spirits; dejected. 2. Decreased level of function. I would say that I fit into that, but when I read about Depression, it doesn't fit as a medical diagnosis. I guess I should be happy, that even though there are many mornings I don't want to get out of bed and just put on my happy face for people, that I am not clinically depressed. My mother was diagnosed with depression in her thirties and some theories say depression is genetic. Not sure if I believe that or not. But anywho, not depressed, just sad.

negative, negative, negative

If you know me you already know what the question is that goes with that answer. Yes I am weak and have no self control. Here is the scenario...I have been having the "ovary"pain (I put ovary in quotes because I'm not really sure what it is), having more breast tenderness and feeling like I pee every 10 minutes. Yes I know you would think after almost two years of this I would stop reading into every little thing, but no, I am a slow learner. Anywho, went to dollar tree yesterday and picked me up a test. I have spent so much money on hpt all these months that I have now gone for the cheap ones. So I did it this morning and of course it was negative. My mind thinks well maybe I should use a more expensive test, but I know that doesn't change anything at this point. So no more testing, no more torturing, no more reading into every little thing that is happening in my body. I am done.

On a different note I have started working out. Thanks Annie for get up at the crack of dawn with me, oh wait it's not the crack of dawn because it is still dark outside!!! Regardless, I am getting fit. Jamaica is in 5wks and I want to get as fit as I can before that and the plus is I will be fitter when/if I do get pregnant. Always gotta find that silver linning!!

wondering what's going on

Well, the "ovary" pain continued throughout the weekend but moved from left to right and back to left. So, I have no idea what that all means. Also I have been feeling crampy for about a month now. Although they seem to be worse today. Last time I was pg I would have sworn I wasn't because I was crampy for about 2 wks before I got a postivie hpt. So you really never know what it all means. I just want something to happen. I think I will test again on Wednesday. I have been doing once a week just so I know what is going on.

Not sure what cd it is. I guess that is good because I am trying not to keep track.

pain in the O

So I have been having some not too bad but definately noticable left ovary pain. Who knows what that means. Maybe I am ovulating. It only took me 52 days to do that :P Anywho, I am just still waiting for my body to catch a clue and do something, anything really.

I don't know if you can really tell what my pic is but I thought it was adorable. It is Barbie pregnant and then she has the baby. Click on it to see it bigger!

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

This is one of my favorite versus. My prayer is that God will fill me with His peace and joy during this time. And I love that He is the God of HOPE because that is all I have.

cd 51

taking charge of your fertility

That is the title of the book I am currently reading. I have enjoyed it thus far. It talks about charting, which involves taking your waking temp, and checking cervical fluid and cervical position. The last two are a little strange but the concept sounds good to me. But of course I would have to have a period before any of this could happen. So who knows. But I definately like this better than other forms of birth control. Not that I really need birth control anyway.

Cd 50 and holding.

20 months later

Welcome, let me give you a quick run down on what is going on with me.

I got pregnant in Dec 2004 with my first child. At my 12wk visit I was told that the baby had died at 10.5wks and had a d&c two days later on March 4th. I tried for 8 months after that and then finally saw a new dr. She gave me clomid, estrogen and progesterone. I did this for 2 months and then found out I was pregnant again February 2006. I miscarried naturally 5 days later. In June I went and saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist and she diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycyctic Ovarian Syndrome). Which basically means I don't ovulate. She did a lot of blood work to check for things that may have caused the miscarriages and everything came back normal. She put me on clomid and had me come in every few days for sonograms to check and see if I was ovulating. They told me that I didn't ovulate that cycle and if I didn't start by cd 35 to do a test and the would put me on some medication. Well cd35 came and I wasn't pg and so I got the meds. This will have been the thrid time in my life that I have needed medical intervention to start my period.

This is the rollercoaster that the Lord has had me on for 20 months now. I have had my times of being angry with Him and then deciding I have nothing else except Him. He has brought me to a place of complete and utter brokeness. A place I would not wish on my enemy. My life is a constant reminder of what I have lost and what I do not have. I am surrounded by it daily. The Lord has brought me to a place where I have no one else besides Him. I had to understand that He is bigger than the drugs and the drs. At a women's retreat I went to a couple of weeks ago they asked us "What is the Lord asking you to sacrifice?" And my answer was clearly my desire to have a child. So I have given it all to Him. I am not in control of when and how I will get pregnant. So that is where I am today. It is cd 50 and I have not started and I am not pregnant. I am trying to find the joy of the Lord and walk in His peace, but it is really hard at times.